oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
