i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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