the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm always down for nudity.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
