did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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