the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
