checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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