i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
