you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
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I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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