just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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