i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
