were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
