I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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