so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
