oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
