I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
