"it" just moved
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Randomize
