i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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