dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
