So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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