That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
