there's paper in my vomit.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
