Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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