On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize