Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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