its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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