woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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