How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
