Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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