period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It's rum buckets o'clock
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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