I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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