You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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