Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
