i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
