Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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