The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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