It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
