Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
