maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
That accounts for only three of the penises
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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