I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
