My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
