I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
