Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
