somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
