Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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