Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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