But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
