On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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