she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Houston, we have a blender
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
