my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
