He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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