It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
