sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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