Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
As shirtless as possible
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
