Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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