My ATM looks so different sober.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
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I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
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My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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