Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
