so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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