im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
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