I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
If I die, sorry about rent.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
